Welcome to Krazy Kevin radio interview Number 21.  This week’s topic was summer safety tips.  You’ll find some valuable tips from this call on how to have a safe and enjoyable summer holiday.  The recording of the call got interrupted, so there’s a tiny bit missing from the call.  When Kevin called the guy back later, the caller asked him if he was selling a Jaguar.  What a time for a wrong number!

After listening to the interview after the call, I realized I gave two not-so-positive examples that happened in Egypt.  I guess this could be misunderstood, and I just want to make it clear that I don’t have any negative opinions of Egypt and that no offense was meant.  I believe that Egypt is “Um Al-Dunya” (the mother of the world), and a great place to visit.

After hearing the interview, I also recommend that you read this great article on travel safety by Kidpower.  Of course, if you’ve not done so already, you should read my self-defence book too!  Available at Zen-Do.  Here’s the interview:

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Adult bullying is a very real problem.

This was the topic of this week’s radio interview with DJ Krazy Kevin.  Adult bullying is a very real problem, and is certainly not given the attention it deserves in our part of the world.

Kevin records the calls from his phone, and if someone tries to call him the recording gets interrupted.  This happen last week and unfortunately this week as well.  There’s about a minute or so missing from the audio, you’ll hear me jumping in towards the end and filling the missing gap.  The discussion topic was suggested by “Mr. O” on my Facebook page.  He received a signed copy of my book for the great suggestion, if you fancy winning a signed copy, then please let me know if there’s any specific topic you’d like Kevin and I to talk about.

Hope you like it and talk to you soon.

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Parents can really improve their kids self-esteem through good communication

As I’m sure you know by now, I have a weekly radio interview with DJ Krazy Kevin.  Here’s the latest installment.  Last week we spoke about how kids can improve their communication with their kids.  This week’s topic was the opposite, how parents can communicate better with their kids.  Hope you like it.

By the way, if there is any particular topic you’d like me to talk about, please let me know and I’ll arrange it with Kevin.

Talk soon.

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Here’s this week’s radio interview with J Krazy Kevin.  I apologise about the sound quality, for a DJ he seems to have a hard time getting this right

Enjoy!

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Here’s the second radio interview with (literally) Krazy Kevin.  To hear the first one click here.  Hope you like it!

[Audio clip: view full post to listen]

This is a topic dear to my heart.  You’ll here me revealing some powerful anti-bullying concepts.  As this is a big topic, we’re doing it in two parts.  In the meantime, if you’ve not seen my anti-bullying video slide show, visit the Zen-Do for Kids website, there’s some great content there, and it’s all free.

I hope you like the interview:

[Audio clip: view full post to listen]

Protect Children Now founders. From left: Suhail Algosaibi, Dr. Kate Maquire, Dr. Mohammed Dr Al Roken, Dr. J'lean Liese, Dr. Soroor Qarooni, and Rana Al Sairafi

I’m extremely proud to announce the creation of a new international movement to encourage and support laws which protect the rights of children.  I’ll share the press release with you first and then comment some more:

A new international child safety movement was launched today [22nd November] in Bahrain ending the week which has marked Universal Children’s Day, the International Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse and the 20th Anniversary for the UN Convention of the Rights of the Child.

‘Protect Children Now’ is a movement to promote the safety of children from abuse through encouraging new and more comprehensive legislation. In the initial stages itwill focus on the Middle East.

This movement has emerged out of the work of Be Free which helps and supports children who have been abused and raises awareness of child protection issues through educational events and regional and international conferences.

The founders of the movement are: Dr Soroor Qarooni, President of the Bahrain Women’s Association; Mr Souhail Al Gosaibi, local entrepreneur and martial arts expert;  Rana Al Sairafi , the manager of Be Free; Dr Mohammed Al Roken, lawyer and associate professor U.A.E. University; Dr Najat Al Mala‘a, UN Special Rapporteur on the sale of children, child pornography and trafficking; Dr J’Lein Liese, President of the Foundation for Global Leadership and Dr Kate Maguire Consultant Psychotherapist in Trauma and Abuse and academic, Middlesex University, UK.

I cannot tell you how proud I am to be part of such an movement.  If you’ve been following me for some time, you know that I’m extremely passionate about the cause of child abuse.  I believe in most good causes from poverty eradication to environmental causes, but children’s anti-abuse causes have a very special meaning to me.

I believe that an abused adult, say an abused wife, has the choice to leave her husband.  She may not believe she has a choice, but the truth is she does, she could leave if she wanted to.  But a child has no choice.  It’s not like the poor child can pack up his bags and leave his home.

I think hell has a special place for child abusers and pedophiles.  A deep, dark, fiery place reserved just for them.  A really nasty place…

Okay okay, I digress.  I believe in this cause so strongly because poor children cannot protect themselves from adult abusers.  They need as much help as possible.  Also, as a father nothing scares me more than the thought of someone abusing my children.  I guess me helping this cause is my karmic way of preventing someone from ever harming my kids.

Protect Children Now was born out of the frustration the main two founders, Dr. Soroor Qarooni and Rana Al Sairafi, felt with current child protection laws.  They noticed the massive gap between the laws in the West and the ones here in the Middle East.  Which are either non-existent of very lack indeed.  And what few laws exist are poorly implemented.

So they thought of the idea of a new international movement that would work on promoting new and tougher laws.  This would be done by (friendly and peaceful) lobbying of government agencies and MP’s,  creating awareness campaigns etc.  The movement will focus on the Middle East region first, and spread from there, God willing.

Dr. Soroor first contacted me in October inviting me to be part of this.  I said yes right away.  I told her that I would always be part of anything that she was involved in and that helped further the cause of protecting children from abuse.  My fellow founders and I spent two days in the Be Free Centre outlining the basic structure of the movement, vision, mission, values etc.  I’ll share those with you once the website is up and running.

We spent quite a bit of time thinking of different names, and we ended up with Protect Children Now.  There’s till A LOT of work to be done, but the seed has been planted and God willing this movement will grow and make a real impact.

Observations From The West

It’s interesting to note that child protection laws can have a negative backlash.  Dr. Kate Maguire mentioned that in the UK laws have gone too far.  Parents are now afraid to discipline their children for fear of them being punished and/or their children being taken away from them.  According to her, there seems to be a discipline crisis in the UK at the moment.

She also mentioned that parents are even afraid to take photos of their children in school events for fear of accidentally capturing another child in the background, which is now illegal.  You cannot photograph other people’s children in any circumstances.

I’ve even heard (from another Brit) that children aren’t even allowed to play Simon Says in schools anymore, in case Simon says  to the children “take off your clothes”!  Can you believe it?

Dr. J’lean Liese mentioned that in Arizona they have passed a new law on how parents can spank their children!  They actually created guidelines for that, can you imagine!  In a way it’s good that we’re behind here in the Middle East.  That way we can learn from the mistakes made in the West.  I personally would still like to have the option of disciplining my kids (which I do as and when I see fit) without fear of the law.  But everything has it’s limits, and we still have a lot of work ahead of us.

PhD’s and Other Observations

I must say we had a lot of fun during the two days we spent together.  I’d like to think that we made life-long friendships.  Dr. J’lean and I are even contemplating joint venturing in her business (but that’s a topic for another blog post… maybe).

At the end of the first day we had dinner together, along with Rana’s husband Ammar, and Dr. Wajeeha Al-Baharna.  During dinner Dr. Kate asked me “Suhail, do you have a PhD, and if not, why not?”

This question took me by surprise.  Rana and I are the only members of the founders that don’t have PhD’s.  Rana is working on her doctorate right now and will soon be joining the PhD club.  I’ll be the only one with a mere masters degree.

“I’m the complete anti-academic” I replied to Kate.  “Why should I spend several years getting a degree I have no interest in?” I added.  I’m an entrepreneur and a PhD would be a massive distraction.

Well, being an academic she encouraged me to get one.  Apparently there’s a new programme in one of the universities that allows “practitioners”, i.e. (non-ivory tower cradled academics) to get a doctorate in one year.  This is done by taking the practical experience they have in lieu of the years of studying and research.  It’s not a PhD, I think it’s called a DProf (professional doctorate or something), but it’s exactly the equivalent of a PhD, and you still get to call yourself “Doctor”.

Hmmmm Dr. Suhail Ghazi Algosaibi, has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? 

Kate really encourage me to look into it.  I told her I would think about it.  Right now I certainly don’t have the time for it, but who knows, maybe in the future….?  I would consider doing it just for the personal challenge.  But overall, I’m still not sure how much value that would add to my life.  I still pride my self in being an anti-academic, and putting down the education system from time to time 

Back To The Movement…

Notice the word “movement”.  Protect Children Now is not registered anywhere and is not an NGO (Non Government Organisation).  For now, it’s just a movement with big ambitions.  As we grow and develop, it’ll probably become an NGO or charity registered somewhere.  Stay tuned!

Thanks for taking the time to read this and talk to you soon.

Me doing a roundhouse kick.

I get this question from time to time.  And I know it can be confusing, as the terms are often interchangeable.

Kickboxing usually refers to the “Western” martial art, which combines the traditional kicks of karate with the modern punches of boxing.  Zen-Do is a western style.

Kickboxing (in the early days called full contact karate or sports karate) was born out of the frustration that some karateka felt with the limitations of the rigid fighting style of traditional karate.

Muay Thai is the national martial (and sport) of Thailand.  It has nothing to do with traditional karate.  Though there are similarities between kickboxing and Muay Thai, there are some fundamental differences.  The main difference is that in Muay Thai, elbow and knee strikes are allowed, whereas this is not allowed in kickboxing.

Also, Muay Thai uses low kicks to the legs, which (in some cases) is not allowed in Western Kickboxing.  But the truth is that there are so many different types of rules and kickboxing competitions that the distinction is not that clear cut.  The term kickboxing is sometimes used to refer to any type of fighting that utilises kicking and punching with boxing gloves.  So you could say Muay Thai is a type of kickboxing.  But I don’t think Thais would like that definition.

The word “kickboxing” is sometimes also used to describe “kickboxing aerobics”, which is an aerobics class, done to music using martial arts moves.  The most famous being Tai Bo.

The Power of Muay Thai

Muay Thai is generally considered the king of striking martial arts (i.e. not grappling type martial arts).  I consider Muay Thai a deadly art, but the real power of Muay Thai does not come from the techniques themselves but from the way Thai boxers train.  They start training at the age of five or six and have their first professional fight at around the age of eight.  They fight their whole life and might retire in the their thirties, as their bodies would be too damaged to continue fighting.

Training details might vary from gym to gym, but generally speaking Thai boxers train around eight hours a day, including  two several kilometre runs.  They train hard because they have to put food on the table.  Fighting might mean the difference between starvation and a relatively comfortable lifestyle for their families.

Over the years I’ve met guys who trained in “Muay Thai” and think that their hot shots.  They think they’re as hardcore as the Thai guys.  Don’t make me laugh!  You can’t do a class or two a week and consider yourself a real Thai Boxer.  Like I said, it’s the training, not the techniques.

I’ve easily beaten people who trained in Muay Thai.  My brother has two.  But if a pro fighter from Thailand wanted to fight me, I’d think twice about it – ok, more like ten times

Which Style Should You Train In?

That’s a difficult one to answer.  And I’ll answer it like I answer many questions: it depends on what you want!  But the most important thing I always advise people is to find a decent instructor.  When you find an instructor who know what he’s talking about, and is patient, encouraging and not a tyrant, then stick with him.  Instructors like that are hard to find.  Focus more on the instructor than on the style.  And make sure you’re having fun!

Talk to you soon.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTiVtKmV_ok

Let me start today’s blog post with a disclaimer; I’m not a qualified therapist, councillor, or psychologist.  The methods I use are the ones that make sense to me as a father, and are appropriate for my children’s personalities and ages. I don’t claim to base my communication methods with my children on any scientific studies, and I don’t insist that you use them.  I’m doing what feels right to me.

I can, however, claim to be an “amateur expert” in the field of child safety and molestation.  I probably know more than 99.999% of the population about this topic and have attended courses and workshops on it.  In addition I’ve done a ton of reading and research on this topic.  You can find out more of my views and opinions on child safety at the Zen-Do for Kids website.

Okay, now that we got this out of the way, I just want to add that I think every parent should talk to their children about child molestation (please note I’m not talking about “stranger danger” or the well-intentioned-but-not-very effective “don’t talk to strangers” advice.) I’m talking about real, practical advice.

Debunking Some of The False Myths Parents Believe

Most parents assume one, some or all of the following:

- That child molestation happens somewhere else and could never happen in their home/neighbourhood/town/country/region/religion.

- That mostly strangers molest children.

- That if their child were to be molested their child would tell them immediately.

-  That child molestation is a very rare occurrence.

There are more false assumptions, but let’s stick with these for now.  Let me debunk these myths right now, so that we’re on the same page, you and I, okay?  And if this topic makes you feel uncomfortable, please don’t stop reading, because this is important.  Keep your desire to avoid this topic in check please.  It could lead to saving a child from being molested and protecting it’s innocence.

Here goes:

- Child sexual (and other) molestation happens everywhere!  There’s no country where it does not happen in.  If humans live there than there’s bound to be some form of molestation, abuse or neglect of children.  The difference between countries is the reporting of these incidents, and the way they handle it.  Also, it could happen in your town, neighbourhood or compound.  Studies have shown that child molestation does not happen in any specific area or social class.  It happens in the poor, middle class and rich sectors of society.

- The vast majority of molestation happens from someone the child knows (90%).  It could be a relative, family friend, teacher, etc.  In many cases the molester will intentionally befriend the family in order to get access to the child.  Child molesters are among us.  They walk like us, dress like us and talk like us.  It could be someone you know, or even someone you like and respect.  It could be someone working in your household.  Have you ever actually done a background check on your domestic staff before hiring them?  I’m not saying this to scare you, but I do want you to open your eyes and your mind.  And by the way, child molesters are not only men – women do it too.  But there are a lot fewer of them than male molesters.

- If children would tell their parents of their molestation, there’d hardly be any child molesters in the world anymore.  Most child molesters know how to keep a child quiet. They might use threats, bribes, blackmail or a combination of these.  It’s not that difficult to keep a child silent about the abuse they’ve received.  Ask the millions of adults today who suffered from molestation as children on how and why they didn’t tell anyone.  Please please please don’t make the blind assumption that your child will tell you if someone does something to them.  If so many raped adult women do not report their rape, why should we expect children to talk about it?

- Child molestation is quite common and experts say that anything from 10% to 20% of children get sexually abused.  That means if you know 10 children, it’s quite possible that 1 or 2 of them have already been molested.

The Three Methods I Use

I actually talk to my kids about this topic fairly regularly.  Just like reminding them to say please and thank you, or to brush their teeth, discussing it with them once is not enough.  It’s got to be done on a regular basis.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s not easy to strike a balance between educating them and trying not to scare them.  I’ve seen parents go too far in their efforts to protect their children, and their children end up living in fear of all adults.  You have to strike a balance.

Method One

One way I use for starting the discussion is by talking about their bodies.  I might say to my son or daughter something like “wow, show me those muscles on your arms!  You’ve got a really strong body…”

Then you can go on from there.  You can say something like “so, who does this body belong to?” pointing at their tummy.  You might get an answer like “me!” or they might give you a completely unexpected answer, like “it belongs to you”, “god”, “everyone”, or “I don’t know”.  Children are children.

From there you can confirm (or inform them) that their body belongs to them and only them.  And that no one has the right to touch them if they don’t want to.  This believe it or not, can be a real revelation to them.  Children are brought up to listen to adults and respect and trust them.  And we often tell our kids to do things with their bodies that they don’t want to do; “take a bath”, “go to the toilet before we go out”, “come here let me clean your ears”, etc.

So they might think that they always have to listen to adults, even if they don’t like what the adult is doing to them.  So, like I said, tell them that no one has the right to touch their bodies in a way that they don’t like.  And if anyone does, they should tell them to stop, and come and tell you right away.

As I talk I use phrases like “okay?”, or “do you understand?” to make sure this is sinking in.  I then ask them what if someone touches you in a way that you don’t like, and they tell you not to tell mama and baba, do you listen to them? [No].  Do you let anyone play with your private parts? [No]. What if they say mama and baba will stop loving you if they find out, do you believe them? [No].  Is there anything in this world that can stop us from loving you? [No].  What about when we’re angry with you, does that mean we don’t love you? [No]  You know we love you no matter what happens, no matter what you do, right?  And on and on in this direction.

This type of discussion might lead them to ask questions, which you need to answer as best you can.  The first time you have this conversation it might be a bit difficult and awkward for you, but in time you’ll get better at it.

No secrets
This works better if you instigate a “No Secrets” policy in the house.  The rule is that they cannot keep secrets from mama and baba, no matter what.  They can keep secrets from their friends (imagine a life for a child without secrets!) but they cannot keep ANY secret from their parents.

Method Two

The second method is reading books made for children.  I like the book It’s My Body, by Lory Freeman.  It’s quite old, from 1984 but the information it contains is timeless.  You can sit and read this book with your child, and then discuss it together afterwards.  There are literally dozens of books to choose from on this topic.  You might consider getting a few of them and then rotate them with your kids every few months or so.  I’m sorry I’m not aware of any Arabic books on the topic.  If anyone could recommend some that would be great.

Method Three

Telling stories.  I tell my kids a story about once a week or so.  It always has the same characters.  It’s about a prince and princess who are exactly the same age as my kids.  The kids have all kinds of adventures, ranging from rescuing mermaids, to fighting dragons to rescuing a planet inhabited by teddy bears (I have a very active imagination).  Once in while the theme of the story will be about child safety methods.  This way they don’t really know that I will discuss the topic with them.  As far as they’re concerned, it’s just a story with their favourite characters.

The little royals, might for example, visit another prince who’s their friend in the nearby kingdom.  When they see him he’s very sad.  When they ask him why he tells them that he will tell them, but they have to swear to keep it a secret.  He then tells them that his uncle touched him in a bad way and that he was feeling really bad about it.  The princes then proceed to help the poor boy.

They tell him that his must tell his parents, regardless of what the uncle told him.  And they acknowledge that it will be difficult for him to do that, but they insist that he must tell his parents.  They also reassure him that his parents will react in a loving and supportive way, which they do.  In the end the uncle is punished for his evil deed.

By disassociating the topic through a story, I can tell my kids that relatives can sometimes abuse children, without having to say it outright.  Get my point?

Conclusion

There you have it, these are my three methods of discussing child molestation with my kids.  Let me just add though, unfortunately, there are no guarantees.  There’s no 100% fail safe method of keeping your child 100% safe.  The way I see it, it’s a game of odds.  If you don’t educate yourself and your child of the dangers of molestation, the chances are fairly good that your child can be molested.  The odds are massively in the molesters favour.  And I mean MASSIVELY.  A child (or ignorant parent for that matter) is no match for a seasoned, determined pedophile.

However, if you arm yourself with knowledge and skills, then the odds tip in your favour.  There’s still no guarantee, but at least the odds are greatly in your favour.  See what I mean?

My fourth bonus method: the good karma method

This method does not actually involve my kids, but it’s something I hope will help keep them safe.  I support children’s anti-child molestation causes.  Specifically, I support the Be Free Anti-Child Neglect and Abuse Programme right here in Bahrain.  I provide financial and consulting support to this amazing charity, hoping that God will reward me by protecting my children from any abuse.  It might sound selfish but it’s not, it’s a win-win for all.

And if you’re based in Bahrain, I recommend you do the same, and support this great organisation.  Even if you don’t have kids, providing greatly-needed financial support to this charity can help protect many children from abuse.  Even if just one child is saved then it will have been worth it.

Well, that’s all for today.  I hope you found this useful.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and talk to you soon.

PS  If you haven’t seen it already, I suggest you also watch my video entitled why I stopped tickling my daughter.